


the accounts of boys who look like snow and lilac

by bigpapa



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Disorder, Depression, High School AU, Human AU, M/M, Self-Acceptance, Self-Hatred, coping with mental disorders, ok, ooc characters probably, self deprication, slight mentions of self harm, slight narcissism, the plot is a little different, this is different from my other story, vignettes instead of one long story
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-11
Updated: 2016-06-15
Packaged: 2018-05-19 15:57:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 1,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5973250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bigpapa/pseuds/bigpapa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>a series of chapters and different accounts linked to one set plot about a boy who tries to learn to love himself and another who tries to learn to love others</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. and the older i get, the more i care about what people say

**Author's Note:**

> new story yay  
> this isn't connected to misguided ghosts but it does have a similar plot  
> i like this idea better because i can't keep one long chain of just the same story in chronological chapters  
> i like to write as i go and in different orders and that's just me as a writer  
> chapter title is from I Oughta Go by Cyberbully Mom Club

     He always hated himself. That was the first thing he thought of when he was faced with the question “How would you describe yourself?”

  
     A waste of space. Worthless. Meaningless.

  
     It’s what he’s known all his life.

  
     He stared at the paper in front of him and clenched his fists on the corners of his desk. He had to fight everything telling him to cry. He was fifteen. He couldn't cry.

  
     So he picked up his pencil to write on the questionnaire his literature teacher handed out. She wanted to get to know everyone because it was the first day of school.

  
     The only thing he could think of writing was “invisible” because it would worry people less than saying “pointless”. He learned that the hard way. Three years of talking to the guidance counselor and it still didn’t help.

  
     The teacher asked to collect their papers and he shakily handed it to her. He took a large gulp and looked at his shaking hands.

 

      _Calm down no one is going to read it except for her you can trust her because she’s going to be your favorite teacher._

  
     “Okay, class, I’m going to pass these around and you can read it aloud.”

  
     Kaneki panicked. Oh god someone is going to read his out loud. Everyones going to judge him.

  
     The teacher pulled out her attendance sheet and closed her eyes and pointed to a random name.

  
     “Tsukiyama Shuu?” she called. Turning his head, Kaneki saw a boy with bright purple hair meticulously combed over his forehead and a wonderful figure. He was the type of person that made Kaneki feel worse about himself. The boy, Tsukiyama, stood up and smiled.

  
     “I’m reading Kaneki Ken’s,” he announced with a strong, triumphant voice.

  
     Kaneki’s heart dropped to his stomach.

  
     He spoke in a loud and confident tone, much to Kaneki’s dismay. He started off going down the list of normal things such as “name”, “favorite food”, “favorite color”, etc. He was dreading every second of it. But what he was dreading the most was the “describe yourself” portion.

  
     “Lastly,” Tsukiyama gave the paper a once-over. “oh, they didn’t write anything for the last one.”

  
     Kaneki had to stop himself from sighing in relief. He had to thank him later.

  
     He looked at Tsukiyama and Tsukiyama looked back at him. He kept his eye contact until his face started heating up and he turned away.

  
     The rest of the class was everyone else reading their other classmates descriptions and everyone getting to know each other uncomfortably. He sighed in relief when the class ended, because he was looking forward to reading, not talking about himself, when signing up for the class.

  
     Kaneki stood up and pulled his bag over his shoulder, planning to walk out of the class with no interruption.

  
     “Hey, wait!” called a voice behind him, and a hand on his shoulder turned him around.

  
     “Oh…” he murmured, seeing that bright purple hair and those matching purple eyes boring down on him. He gulped. “Uh… thanks… for not reading that last part…”

  
     Tsukiyama smiled and nodded. “It seemed a little too personal.” Kaneki saw how he awkwardly glanced away and then looked back more seriously. “If you ever need to talk… just ask me. Okay?”

  
     Kaneki nods and his face heats up. He ducks his head in thanks and grips his bag and walks away.

  
     His chest feels a little lighter than before.


	2. i want to be immortal, like a god in the sky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tsukiyama ur gay is showing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title is from immortal by marina and the diamonds

     He checks the mirror at least three times within ten minutes. He needs to make sure he’s perfect. Not a hair out of place, nothing wrong. No blemish, pimple, anything. All of the skin care treatments seem to work and no shadow of a beard on his chin left.

     He goes through the mental checklist at least a fifth time. He makes sure there’s not an unnecessary crease on his uniform.

     He goes through the checklist again. He has to be perfect. Especially on the first day of his junior year. He can’t let anyone know that he’s flawed.

_If I even have any flaws._

     He picks up his miniature mirror and pockets it, as he does with his foundation, moisturizer, and lip balm. He grabs his bag and sees the breakfast a servant left him. He picks up the toast and the apple. He can’t fill himself up so early in the morning.

     He walks to the car, eating, and his chauffeur opens the door for him. He nods in thanks and he’s off to school.

     Once parked outside if the school, he quickly thanks the driver and travels up the stairs into the building. He walks in a straight path towards his locker, though stopping to wave to many people along the way.

     “Shuu!” he heard someone yell down the hallway.

     He turns a sees Chie running towards him, camera dangerously swinging behind her.

     “Ah, Little Mouse,” he says when she stops in front of him.

     “You didn’t answer your phone.”

      He tilts his head and feel around his pockets for his phone. Only feeling the products he put in his pockets instead. _Oh, I guess I forgot._

     He shrugs and closes his locker door. She walks with him to their first period class.

 

     Tsukiyama knows he’s beautiful and no one can compare, but when he sees that boy with black hair and an eyepatch, he seems to doubt everything.

     He suddenly wants to know everything about this boy. Where he came from, how old he is, why he’s wearing that god awful eyepatch, why he’s so nervous…

     And when he thanks him his heart stops. He knew that this is the feeling in all of those book he’s read. The feelings he’s always laughed at, the one that made no sense and were pointless. He takes it all back, because now he knows what it’s like.

     What it’s like to have his heart beating too fast and his stomach whirling out of control. The sweaty palms and the lack of control of his thoughts.

     And he wants it to go away.


	3. in ten years from now i might as well be dead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS A WARNING this chapter is potentially triggering becayse there are pretty obvious mentions of suicide and self harm and u should not read this is u feel unsafe or uncomfortable ur safety is more important than a dumb lil fanfic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy vday i actually hate vday so heres a sad chapter :'^)  
> title from everything is going to hell by teen suicide

_he doesn’t know what to do so this is the only way he can save himself this is how he copes with himself. he knows he’s a mistake his aunt told him after his mom died that’s all he was that’s what she called him that’s who he is he’s a mistake a freak of nature he’s not normal you should just kill yourself yes i know i want to die please leave me alone there’s blood everywhere i want to die i can die like this oh it stings oh well you deserve it you’re different you’re not like them you like boys that’s not right who does that you freak you should have died along with your mother you’re a loser who cares about you haha no friends for a reason. there’s blood everywhere blood everywhere blood everywhere blood everywhere blood on arms on feet on floor on shirt on floor on feet on arms on arms blood blood blood help me what do i do i dont know how to fix myself i need someone here no please leave me alone you dont get me im different im awful im horrible someone end me im a disgrace i want to die die die die die die die die i want to die please take me away end it all theres no one for me goodbye everyone_

_i want to die_


	4. but it’s not my time to die

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's not all bad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title from falling in love by teen suicide

     he saw it, the puckered pink lines interrupting beautiful, pale skin. his stomach turns and he gathers kaneki up in his arms.  
     “im so sorry,” he whispers.  
     kaneki only sniffs and looks up at tsukiyama, gently putting a hand on the other’s cheek. “it’s okay, now. i’ll live”  
     tsukiyama’s lips shakily upturn into a smile.  
     he cries.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if u havent noticed all chapter titles are lyrics from songs i like and make sure u know these arent in any particular order


	5. im tired of being careful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sometimes when u show ur friends things u share too much

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title from soap by melanie martinez

     Tsukiyama grabs Kaneki’s wrist in a tight hold and pulls him up the path. Kaneki is breathing heavily and clutching the shirt in front of his lungs. He hasn’t been this exhausted in his life.

 

     “Are we there yet?” Kaneki breathes out, barely able to make a sound.

 

     Tsukiyama turns his head and grins at him, and Kaneki’s cheeks glow a bright red. 

 

_      Stop it,  _ he seems to yell at his heart.  _ Stop thinking about him like that. _

 

     “Almost,” the older responds, pulling them both up the steep hill. “Just bear a few more minutes.

 

     They walk past trees and rocks and beautiful streams. The forest is silent minus the tranquil noises of leaves being blown by the wind and water running. He just wants to sit down.

 

     The hill seems to be getting steeper, and it feels like a ninety degree angle by the time they get to the top. His sweat is pouring out and he doesn’t want Tsukiyama to think he smells bad or is gross or something.

 

     “Close your eyes,” Tsukiyama says.

 

     “If I do that I’ll fall asleep.”

 

     The older just laughs and pulls Kaneki flush against him, and Kaneki’s face feels hot- and not just from over exerting himself. He covers Kaneki’s eyes and moves them slowly further and further until there’s an abrupt stop.

 

     Tsukiyama’s breath is on his neck and he dares not to move.

 

      “Kaneki, look,” Tsukiyama moves his hand and places it on Kaneki’s shoulder. 

 

     The only thing he can do is gasp at the sight before him.

 

     He is on the top of a cliff, and under him is the whole town. The mist in the sky is visible, he can see the houses, the lake, rivers, other trees. He can’t even describe it other than peaceful.

 

     “It’s beautiful,” he breathes out.

 

     “So are you,” he hears a mumble. His eyes widen and he turns and almost slips, barely managing to catch himself and crash into  Tsukiyama. He looks up and notices the other is sporting the same expression.

 

     “I-I… uh… Kaneki- I- I’m so sorry I wasn’t thinking now you must think I’m a freak oh my God what do I do I just…”

 

     Tsukiyama keeps mumbling and Kaneki’s mouth turns upwards in a smile.

 

     “It’s okay, I think you’re beautiful too,” he let out a deep breath and forces himself to look into Tsukiyama’s eyes.

  
     They both let out and laugh and turn back to look at the scene before them, interlocking their fingers.


	6. promise you'll remember that you're mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sometimes words speak louder than actions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i like writing only dialogue
> 
> title from blue jeans by lana del rey
> 
> sorry it's so late

"I get that you're hurt, but that's no reason to-"

"Shuu, please not now-"

"Ken, I-"

"I can't do this right now."

"..."

"...I... don't think I can do anything right now..."

"..."

"..."

"...Ken..."

"I don't know what to do anymore... it hurts so much..."

"Just please listen-"

"I can't... I don't think I can. I'm sorry but..."

"Don't do this-"

"I have to."

"..."

"..."

"Please Ken, I'll give you some time, just don't do this."

"I'm sorry, Shuu. But we can't do this anymore."

"Kaneki, this isn't healthy, I can help you-"

"Don't you understand that I don't want help?!"

"Ken-"

"I'm leaving. This was fun while it lasted, but it's too much for me..."

"...Please.."

"I'm sorry, Shuu, but if I can't accept myself, how can a measley high school relationship work out?"

"I didn't think you thought of it that way..."

"Well I do."

"..."

"I'm going home."

"..."

"See you around..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

The door slams.

"Bye, Ken."


End file.
